Jimmy Kimmel was in fine form during his opening monologue at the 96th Academy Awards on Sunday. Returning for the fourth time as host this year, Kimmel had a light touch, cracking jokes about everyone from Maestro star Bradley Cooper’s mom to the Director’s Guild of America without hitting anyone too hard.
We rounded up some of of Kimmel’s funniest jokes from the 2024 awards ceremony, from torching the Spider-man spinoff Madame Web starring Dakota Johnson to ripping on Hollywood heavyweights like Robert De Niro and Steven Spielberg.
Kimmel even got so raunchy as to make a dick joke about Oppenheimer actor Robert Downey Jr. and a porn joke at the expense of director Christopher Nolan.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Jokes From the Oscars Opening Monologue
Without further ado, here are the best jokes from this year’s Oscars.
Madame Web
“Despite the fact that everything stopped, the people in this room somehow managed to come up with so many excellent films and so many memorable performances. This night is full of enormous talent and untold potential, but so was Madame Web, so who knows?” Kimmel joked, referring to the dismal box-office numbers garnered by the superhero film, which, to be fair, star Dakota Johnson has also joked about.
Barbie
Kimmel called out Margot Robbie and Greta Gerwig’s Oscar snubs, and also paid tribute to the universally appreciated good looks of Robbie’s Ken co-star, Ryan Gosling.
“Barbie was a monster hit. What an achievement to take a plastic doll nobody even liked anymore. I mean, my wife before this movie, you’d have a better chance of getting my wife to buy our daughter a pack of Marlboro Reds than a Barbie doll. Now Barbie is a feminist icon thanks to Greta Gerwig, who many believed deserved to be nominated for Best Director. I know you’re clapping, but you’re the ones who didn’t vote for her. Don’t act like you had nothing to do with this,” Kimmel joked.
“And I don’t want to leave out Margot Robbie. Margot put this giant hit together. Margot Robbie — look kids, it’s Barbie and Ken sitting just near each other. Ryan and Margot, I want you know that even if neither one of you wins an Oscar tonight, you both already won the something much more important — the genetic lottery. Ryan you are so hot. Let’s go camping together and not tell our wives.”
Also Read: Jimmy Kimmel Once Snuck Into the Oscars in the 1990s
Christopher Nolan
The Oppenheimer director was not at all safe from Kimmel’s raunchy humor.
“Then we have the other major box office winner this year, Oppenheimer, directed by the great Christopher Nolan. This is a very fascinating person. Christopher Nolan doesn’t have a smartphone. He doesn’t use email, and he writes his scripts on a computer with no internet connection — which is a powerful way of saying, ‘I will not allow my porn addiction to get in the way of my work,'” Kimmel joked.
Oppenheimer‘s Robert Downey Kr.
Kimmel saved his only personal joke for Robert Downey Jr., who gamely played along.
“This is the highest point of Robert Downey Jr.’s long and illustrious career. Well, one of the highest points,” Kimmel said, referring to Downey’s well-documented history of drug use in the 1990s.
The camera then panned to Downey, who tapped his nose. Kimmel, ever quick on his feet, took it as an opportunity to extend the joke.
“Was that too on the nose, or was that a drug motion you made?” Kimmel asked. (Downey has been very open about his struggles with addiction, decades ago, throughout awards season.)
But he wasn’t done picking on Downey.
“I mean, look at this guy. He’s so handsome, so talented. He’s won every award there is to win. Is that an acceptance speech in your pocket? Or do you just have a very rectangular penis?” Kimmel said.
Downey just looked at the camera with an expression that called to mind Jim from The Office.
Bradley Cooper’s Mom
“The multitalented Bradley Cooper is here with us tonight,” Kimmel said.
Cooper is nominated in multiple categories for his Leonard Bernstein biopic Maestro, which he stars in, wrote, and directed.
“Bradley, you brought your mom on the show tonight. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. How are you doing? Good. Great. Bradley brings his mother to every award show,” Kimmel continued. “It’s very sweet, but I guess the question is, how many times can one bring his mom as his date before he is actually dating his mom? Are you working on a movie about Freud right now and not telling us?”
Robert De Niro and Jodie Foster
Then Kimmel turned to Hollywood legends Robert De Niro and Jodie Foster. De Niro is nominated for Best Supporting Actor in Killers of the Flower Moon, while Foster in nominated for Best Supporting Actress in Nyad.
“Here’s some fun Oscar trivia. Forty-eight years ago, Robert De Niro and Jodie Foster were nominated for Taxi Driver and they are both nominated again tonight. In 1976, Jodie Foster was young enough to be Robert De Niro’s daughter. Now she’s 20 years too old to be his girlfriend,” Kimmel jabbed, to which Foster smiled and nodded.
Hollywood Is a Union Town
Then Kimmel turned to the strikes, which brought Hollywood to a screeching halt last year.
“This very strange town of ours, as pretentious and superficial as it can be, at its heart is a union town. It’s not just a bunch of heavily Botoxed… smoothie drinking, diabetes prescription-abusing, gluten-sensitive nepo babies with perpetually shivering chihuahuas,” he said. “This is a coalition of strong, hardworking, mentally tough American laborers, women and men who would 100 percent sure die if we even had to touch the handle of a shovel.”
You can watch the monologue above.
Main Image: Jimmy Kimmel at the 2024 Oscars. Credit: ABC
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