Breaking Up Is Hard To Do – Friendship Edition

While the heartache of romantic break-ups have been expressed across every medium since the beginning of time, less discussed is the (sometimes worse!) pain of dissolved friendships.

Falling out of love is easy enough to understand, but in theory, friendships can last forever — so when they don’t, the sting is that much more painful. Team Sassy share their immediate connections that turned into big friendship losses, which continue to play on their minds even today — plus, how they survived it, what it taught them about relationships and, ultimately, about themselves. 

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The friend who was ghosted big time 

We had similar humour and trauma bonded about our previous job. She was very keen to befriend me in the beginning. I was fine with it but she initiated everything, asking me to go to yoga class after work. If I didn’t reply to her messages straight away, she’d be very sensitive about it. 

I don’t know what happened. She started to not reply and I sensed a big energy change. I kept asking what was wrong and she told me, “Don’t be so sensitive. We have our own lives”. I asked a few more times but she never addressed the problem and I felt like she was gaslighting me. 

I’m the sort of person who wants to know if I did something wrong to see if I can change or  apologise, not to be kept in the dark. I had nightmares about it, felt abandoned, confused and anxious that she was talking behind my back about something I did. I didn’t want to feel bad about a person who doesn’t care about me, or add anything to my life.

Of course you feel hurt when grieving the loss of friendship, but I look back and think about the good moments we shared and am grateful for that. We were compatible for two years, but not everyone is here to stay. As a kid I thought it was ‘friends forever’ but I’ve realised that circumstances, values, and personalities can change and it’s ok to go on separate paths. I need to learn to let go of some people. If they don’t want to be friends anymore, I’ve learnt to respect myself enough to let them go.  

To make new friends, I went on Bumble BFF. You’ll find your tribe and people who will love you for who you are. That person doesn’t define you — I’m an amazing person and friend. I reached out two months ago and she replied. I’m actually at peace with it now. I have better friends. The relationship evolved and we just weren’t compatible.

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The friend stuck in an awkward living situation

During my first year of college, my roommate and I bonded over a mutual dislike of the third girl we lived with, and ended up becoming close friends. We were very different people though, and there were certain things about her that really frustrated me, like her lack of boundaries. That came to a head years later when I went through something quite traumatic and she started acting strangely about it, bringing it up often and constantly comparing her own unserious situations. Maybe she was just trying to empathise, but I found it quite triggering and it made me see her differently.

It was awkward because we were still living together, although I distanced myself and then eventually moved. It was like a proper break-up — we had to sit down and talk about it. She told me she felt like there was something wrong, and I had to admit that I didn’t feel like our friendship was working out. We continued living together for a few months. I was a bit shitty about it. 

I learnt that things that you find annoying about people from the onset tend to stay there, and that you should protect your boundaries. I feel like I could have handled it better, but you don’t have to be besties with everyone if it’s not working. You have the option to get out of it.

The last time I was in her area I considered reaching out to apologise, but decided against it as there’s no need to rekindle that relationship. Everyone has complex lives, which you are not the centre of. I’m sure she’s doing great. 

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The friend who held a decade-long grudge (and for good reason)

This is a story of how long I can hold a grudge for, as this was a friend I made at the age of 8. We lived close to each other so it was convenient, and were both into dance class. As kids do, we squabbled but would usually bounce back quickly. I had a lot of health problems as a child and everyone in my class knew I wasn’t allowed to swim due to constant ear infections. I was hospitalised for a variety of ailments, including inexplicable leg tremors and stomach issues, which the girl knew about.

I don’t remember what caused it but once the girl said to me, “Every time you’ve been in hospital, it’s a punishment for what you’ve done”. I was 10! For some reason, this one thing that girl said to me pops into my head every time something happens to me, including when I recently had pneumonia. After she weaponised this over me, I was never able to get over it, or trust her again. It was a shame as we had a bond, and a lot in common, but I wasn’t able to move past it in my life.  

There were people around when it happened, and a mutual friend of ours was up in arms about it, angry on my behalf. I didn’t make a huge deal of it, and just walked away. It was a wildly inappropriate thing to say, and upset me more after the fact. I didn’t address it, just extracted myself from the situation, and hoped she took the hint.

I dealt with it by keeping her at arm’s length, even though I remained civil and we’d even sometimes hang out at parties. I never told her anything personal, at the back of my mind aware she might use an illness against me again. To this day, I still believe that once someone hurts you once, they’re capable of doing it again. When people show you who they are, believe them. That’s stuck with me forever, and I don’t think I’ve gotten over it. 

If I know someone is capable of using personal information against me, I don’t let it go beyond a certain level of friendship to protect myself against having the same issues in future. I’m not particularly religious, but in my family’s culture, karma is a big thing — what goes around comes around. I hear her voice in my head every time I get sick, and think about what I’ve done recently to deserve this.

I understand I shouldn’t take it as literally as I did, and that it probably never crossed her mind I’d be thinking about it 15 years later. This was a very formative experience for me. When someone shows signs of having this personality, I immediately put up a wall. Once someone betrays me in a specific way, I’m not big on forgiveness. It forever alters how I see that person. 

Every now and then, I’ll see a random update about her, but there’s no part of me that wants her in my life. We haven’t spoken for 10 years, and I’m fine with that. 

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The heartbroken friend who never got closure

We became friends during orientation at university as we lived down the hall from one another. We vibed immediately, we had the same dry wit, sarcasm and sense of humour. She’s incredibly intelligent and so we instinctively gravitated towards each other, sharing similar values and a sense of self. The first party we ever went to together, she printed out walking directions…I knew we would get on from that moment forward. 

After graduation I moved to another city, but we continued to visit each other regularly throughout the years. We remained incredibly close despite the distance, she even threw my hen’s party. I started leaning into my career and the city I was living in slowly became my identity, while she went in another direction. The last time she visited me, we headed out to a high-end restaurant and she showed up in a farming outfit. I half joked that she couldn’t wear that out and asked her to borrow something from my closet, which she did. The visit went on for another day or two, but that was the last time we ever saw each other.   

Looking back, I always assumed that comment was the driving force for the breakup, that our differences became too apparent that night, and she just couldn’t be bothered. She stopped reaching out and answering my calls. I’ll never know the real reason, but I can’t help but think that was the dinner that changed it all.   

I wondered for years if I became the representation to her of a button-up formal type, someone she was always desperate not to become. The irony wasn’t lost on me when years later I saw her featured in a J.Crew ad, I forwarded her the email and said I loved it and that I hoped things were going well, which was my attempt to open the door. She responded, “Hope all is well.” We follow each other on Instagram, but she’s muted my stories.  

The fact that she couldn’t just tell me, “I don’t love this version of you” made me wonder if we were really best friends. But looking back, of course we were — she gave the speech at my engagement party, we stood by each other’s side during every breakup, every move and every life moment for nearly a decade. It haunted me for years. I was devastated. It hurt more than my first love. People closest to me know that it’s something I still carry to this day. It was worse than any other break-up I’ve ever had because there was no finality to it.  

If becoming different people was the reason our friendship ended, the takeaway is to let people be themselves. Support them as they are and lift them up. I’ve learnt about myself that putting a period to every sentence is something I need. I never got the closure I so desperately needed and it’s something that continues to haunt me still to this day.   

I’ll never be fully over it, but as with everything, time heals. I’m so far removed now that I don’t know who she is anymore. I don’t know that I would reach out because I’ve tried over the last decade, and we’re a lot older now, I’m sure she has since moved on. But would I drop by the bar her dad owns one day, or somewhere I think she’d be? I’d walk by, maybe… 

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