Jimmy Kimmel held nothing back during his opening monologue at the 95th Academy Awards on Sunday. No one in the Dolby Theater was safe this year, and Kimmel took shots at everyone from the usual suspects like Austin Butler and his never-ending Elvis accent to Will Smith and the slap heard ’round the world. Kimmel even cracked a sex joke at the expense of 91-year-old John Williams.
Jimmy Kimmel’s Best Jokes
We gathered up some of his best jokes from the 2023 award ceremony, and we have to say, these were some of the funniest we’ve heard in a few years.
Here are the best jokes from this year’s Oscars.
Nicole Kidman’s AMC Commercial
“I’m happy to see that Nicole Kidman has finally been released from that abandoned AMC where she has been held captive for almost two full years now,” he said, poking fun at the AMC commercial Kidman stars in that plays before screenings at the theater chain. “And thank you for encouraging people who were already at the movie theater to go to the movie theater.”
An Ozempic joke
“Everybody looks so great. When I look around this room, I can’t help but wonder — is Ozempic right for me?” Kimmel said of the diabetes medication that is also popularly used for weight loss, drawing a big, knowing chuckle from the crowd.
The Joe and Hunter Biden of Hollywood
“Right here, this is my favorite duo of the year: Steven Spielberg and Seth Rogen. What a pair. The Joe and Hunter Biden of Hollywood,” Kimmel joked. “Seth, what are you on right now? Be honest. Nothing? Mushrooms right? Did you give one to Steven? Give him one, let’s see what happens. Maybe he’ll make something crazy. Steven claims he’s never even smoked weed, which I find hard to believe.”
“You mean to tell me you were sober when you made a movie about an alien who eats Reese’s Pieces all day and can’t remember how to phone home? You were high as a bike when you made that movie,” he added.
A John Williams Sex Joke
Even Williams, who is 91, could not escape Kimmel’s wry wit.
“I also want to extend collaborations to Steven’s longtime collaborator, the maestro John Williams, who is now the oldest nominee in Oscar history. He looks great. John turned 91 years old last month and he’s still scoring, if you know what I mean. And by the way, if you’ve never made love to the score of Raiders of the Lost Ark, do yourself a favor.”
A searing blow for Babylon
Kimmel delivered a searing blow to Damien Chazelle’s 1920s Hollywood historical movie starring Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, Tobey Maguire, and Diego Calva.
“It was a very good year for movies. Business is booming. I know people like to debate now which is better, movies or TV? But here’s the thing — no matter how good a show is, there are some things movies can do that TV just can’t. For example, a TV show can’t lose $100 million. Is the gang from Babylon here? They know.”
After a hearty “oof” from the audience, he kindly clarified: “I was just asking if they were here! I was welcoming them.”
L. Ron Hubba Hubba
This one really made me cackle. It was at the expense of Tom Cruise, who was notably absent from the Oscars this year, as was Avatar director James Cameron.
“Everyone loved Top Gun. Everybody. Tom Cruise with his shirt off in that beach football scene? L. Ron Hubba Hubba, you know what I mean?” Kimmel joked, referring to Cruise’s longtime involvement with Scientology, which was founded by L. Ron Hubbard.
An Obligatory Joke About Austin Butler’s Elvis Accent
“Elvis is in the building tonight. There he is. Austin Butler. Austin as you know is a first-time nominee. He was so convincing as Elvis. Still is,” Kimmel joked, nodding to Butler’s voice, which has famously remained quite Elvis-like since he wrapped filming of the movie.
And an Obligatory Will Smith Slap Joke
“We have strict policies in place. If anyone in this theater commits an act of violence during the show, you will be awarded the Oscar for Best Actor and permitted to give a 19-minute long speech,” he said. “No, but seriously, the Academy has a crisis team in place. If anything unpredictable or violent happens during the ceremony, just do what you did last year — nothing. Just sit there and do absolutely nothing. Maybe even give the assailant a hug.”
Watch the full opening monologue above, from when Kimmel parachutes in to when he gets danced off the stage RRR style.
Main Image: Jimmy Kimmel during his opening monologue at the 2023 Oscars. Photo credit: ABC.
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